Distraught and Enlightenment

"Life is precious to the old person. He is not interested merely in thoughts of yesterday's good life and tomorrow's path to the grave. He does not want his later years to be a sentence of solitary confinement in society. Nor does he want them to be a death watch."

Dr. David Allman

Two months ago my gramps underwent angioplasty/stenting due to mild heart attack he had had during his midday bicycling activity. Ever since that day, he'd never be the same again. Despite all the endless courage and moral supports everybody's been giving him, he looks frustrated all the time.


I feel you, gramps.


You had always been as healthy as a horse. You did everything you could to keep your heart intact; morning jog, bicycling, doing some housework, you quit smoking over 30 years ago and you watch your diet. Occasionally you indulged yourself with few cans of beer while you were watching boxing match. You're a living proof that there's a normal life after 80.


I have no idea if your military background has something to do with your well-being now. You're still my inspiration regardless.


My heart is broken everytime you mention that you want to die. How could you say something so selfish?! You still have gran by your side, you stupid geezer! You...!!!


Sigh.


I was running out of words. I looked at you and kept silent. I was distraught. And then I saw a glimpse of myself on you. I was you.


Somehow I could see it clearly. I remembered when I was in my weakest condition. My temper sent my rationality far away. I wish I was dead. The more people came to cheer me up, the more I got mad. "Yeah rite, it looks all so easy for you since you're not the one who got sick!" That's what I was keep shouting.


I guess you were fighting the demon within yourself too, gramps. I don't know what makes you so hard to say it, but I believe deep down you are just too afraid to be left alone. You didn't mean any of your words. I know you still have a huge spirit to live. You consented to the procedure that cost price-of-a-car without giving second thought. You might take it as a faint, unreasonable proof but I believe that you treasure your life.


You grabbed me right when I was losing grip, gramps. I will never forget that moment. I was too tired to fight against both my illness and the evil in my mind. I felt like a loser, until you stood before me and told me that you love me. You said that you still have faith in me, and that I'll be a great doctor. You promised me that you will attend my graduation ceremony.


It's my turn now to accompany you throughout your darkness. You're physically fine, gramps. However if you let the evil mind remains in your head, you won't stand a chance. He'll wreck your body and soul. Please don't let him win, gramps.


I'll try to do my best to keep you sane. You know you can always rely on me, gramps. I know it's hard for others to perceive this. Even mom was angry at you when you were nagging me to come and spend a night in your house because I was in the middle of my finals. We knew we couldn't blame her, right? She just wanted me to focus on my study first. As for me, well, how can I say NO to you? Tee-hee.


Hang in there, gramps. I'm trying to astonish you one more time. You'd better keep your own words.